IttyBitty Blog

The world according to Andrea

It’s a problem…

on February 22, 2011

I have a problem.  I should say, I’ve had a problem my whole life. 

You see, I’m fat. 

I’ve always been fat.  I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t fat.  I was even born fat! (10 pounds 10 1/2 ounces)

Some of my fat can be explained (rationalized) by the fact that I have a thyroid issue and PCOS (polysystic ovarian syndrome).   I could blame it on my three pregnancies (but truth be told, I actually lost weight when pregnant).  I might want to blame my genetic code, or my parents for making me go on weight watchers when I was 10.  I could blame them all.

But, the truth is that I have no one to blame but myself. 

I have an eating disorder, only not the kind that makes you skinny.  The other kind.  I eat too much.  I binge and don’t purge.  I can’t stop myself.

I have done unthinkable things at times.  I once hid a cake in the bathroom.  I’ve eaten food from the top of the garbage can (just like George on Seinfeld).  I have kept secret “stashes” of food. 

I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad.  I use food to celebrate, I use food to make me feel better.  Oh, and I also use food just to stay awake.   It is a huge problem.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really ever be free from it.  It is an addiction of the worst kind. 

I’ve tried many different “diets” over the years.  I’ve lost quite a bit of weight on some of them….but the weight always creeps back on.  I just can’t seem to get this monkey off my back. 

I’ve never really talked about my monkey publicly.  I guess that it’s hard to admit that you have an addiction.  I’m wondering if this might be the key to keeping me accountable for my actions.   I need to go through all 12 steps, I imagine. 

So, step one:  admit you have a problem.  I do.  I really really do.

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4 responses to “It’s a problem…

  1. Ken says:

    I blame Dr Laura Schlessinger for a lot of my problems and it sometimes helps 😉 I used to sit in my car eating two McDonald’s cheeseburgers listening to her radio show during my lunch breaks. So now I’m admitting that besides food, I indulge in right-wing radio. I make up for it by reading the Huffington Post.

    whew, ok, sorry, was just leaving a comment to say that I FEEL for you. I have found that if I eat a lot of protein in the mornings my cravings aren’t AS bad. I also took a picture of my flabby body and look at it for inspiration. But don’t go overboard, we all deserve a Twinke now and then.

    • ittybittyblogger says:

      Oh Ken…..I miss you! I remember when you were a big Dr. Laura fan. Too funny.

      I am trying to stick to 4 rules: 1) eat whatever I want 2) eat when I am hungry, but only when truly hungry 3) eat consciously, enjoy every bite, eat slowly 4) stop when I am full

      Sounds simple, right? It’s worked for me before, but I slipped when I got pregnant and had a nervous break down. It takes a lot of “meditation” and really thinking about your hunger. I usually rate my hunger on a scale of 1 to 10. I can only eat something if my hunger is in the 5 to 7 range. If I wait till 8, 9, or 10….it’s all over. 1, 2, 3, or 4 is just emotional.

      Let’s see if I can do this again, huh?

  2. Katie says:

    Oh Andrea…you know we all love you because of your great personality and for the person you are. Just remember…nobody is perfect…even those skinny biotches who look like they are:)

    • Char says:

      Hello Cuz Katie is right we all love you for who you are! Keep your head up your a wonderful person. I some times feel the same way about the way that I look. i also want to lose weight and I cant stop eating I have tried to diet and I cant. I last maybe a week or to. I love ya and if you lives closer to me I would go to the gym with you i need a gym buddy. Just remember who you are:)

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