I have a problem. I should say, I’ve had a problem my whole life.
You see, I’m fat.
I’ve always been fat. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t fat. I was even born fat! (10 pounds 10 1/2 ounces)
Some of my fat can be explained (rationalized) by the fact that I have a thyroid issue and PCOS (polysystic ovarian syndrome). I could blame it on my three pregnancies (but truth be told, I actually lost weight when pregnant). I might want to blame my genetic code, or my parents for making me go on weight watchers when I was 10. I could blame them all.
But, the truth is that I have no one to blame but myself.
I have an eating disorder, only not the kind that makes you skinny. The other kind. I eat too much. I binge and don’t purge. I can’t stop myself.
I have done unthinkable things at times. I once hid a cake in the bathroom. I’ve eaten food from the top of the garbage can (just like George on Seinfeld). I have kept secret “stashes” of food.
I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad. I use food to celebrate, I use food to make me feel better. Oh, and I also use food just to stay awake. It is a huge problem. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll really ever be free from it. It is an addiction of the worst kind.
I’ve tried many different “diets” over the years. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight on some of them….but the weight always creeps back on. I just can’t seem to get this monkey off my back.
I’ve never really talked about my monkey publicly. I guess that it’s hard to admit that you have an addiction. I’m wondering if this might be the key to keeping me accountable for my actions. I need to go through all 12 steps, I imagine.
So, step one: admit you have a problem. I do. I really really do.
